This season of life and parenting just hasn’t been my favorite lately. I’m struggling. Struggling to stay on top of my emotions, on top of my hot temper. Struggling to find peace in the moments of chaos and frustration. Struggling to meet the needs of myself and my family. Struggling to make my home clean and comfortable which I often throw my hands up to because oreos and brushing your teeth. Literally the struggle is real right now.
I always wanted to be a kind, peaceful and carefree parent. One who can keep their composure in most any situation, one who seems to know when to speak and when to just listen and one who just radiates love in every word, every touch and every smile. I dream of being a parent like that one day. I never really thought I’d end up being a bit more cross and quick to snap. I never thought I’d end my days feeling like I have failed as a parent, like I said and did the wrong thing and wonder what do I need to do to change and to make sure I have the most nourishing and loving relationship with my children.
Lately I have had a flare up with my anxiety and have been feeling incredibly anxious about this whole PNW earthquake thing. Feeling like we aren’t prepared enough, what do I do if we aren’t home, or worst yet what do we do if Neil is at work on the other side of the river? I know for most West Coasters this isn’t a big deal it’s just a part of life but this East Coast girl is new to the whole massive earthquake thing. I’m working through my anxiety, trying to make time for meditation, using my oils that really help to ease my anxious feelings and trying to just not think about it. The thing is my anxiety over this one thing is seeping into the other aspects of my life – my children, my relationship with my husband, being social, work, and so on.
While I know much of my anxieties and the pressures I feel I created myself they are still there and it’s up to me to take control of them. It’s up to me strive for balance in life or rather strive for a life where I feel like I am fulfilling my duties as a mama, a partner, a girl boss and as a human.
I know I’ll struggle to post this because who wants to say I am struggling but the reality is I am and I know (or at least hope) I’m not alone. I’m also using this time to officially declare to you and myself that I am going to do The Orange Rhino Challenge. I keep saying I’ll read the book and follow through but I haven’t and today is my public declaration so hold me to it.
So this is life. I’m working on a lot of personal development things right now because I need to. We can all grow, develop, change and be the people we want to be. Thank you for joining me on this journey through life and parenthood.
Are you also struggling at this thing called life? parenthood? You’re not alone.
Earthquake anxiety keeps me up at nights in a very real way. I can’t imagine how compounded that feeling must be when worrying about other people. Hang in there!
And as for the snapping, well my mom was strict and would snap. As a kid I didn’t love it, obviously, but I also believe it is what I needed. Also, what my mom needed. I have an amazing relationship with my mom as an adult, which is soft and loving. A true friendship. I am also a disciplined, aware and independent person. I can handle criticism, losing and am emotionally aware. I credit a lot of this to the firm environment I was raised in. It made it very clear I’m entitled to nothing, I knew how hard my parents worked for us to have a very privileged life, and made me more compassionate. I look at a lot of my friends who had the soft, loving mom and often feel I am more equipped for life.
I definitely struggle with anxiety – And always about the smallest “What-If” type things. It’s a daily struggle, but I think it’s definitely normal.
You are so not alone in any way. I’m with you. Sometimes I see other parents who appear to be the calm, collected, love-radiating types, and I think, why can’t I do that? But as Meredith pointed out, there are all kinds of good parents. There’s not one Right Way. Losing your temper sometimes is human (and I’m VERY human).
I know what you mean about earthquake anxiety, too. I set a deadline for myself to do our quake prep by the end of May and… well, you can guess how that went.
Anyhow, you are not alone. You are supported. And you are a good mom.
Thank you for sharing your personal sentiments here. I know it can be tough but you are definitely not alone, and you are doing an amazing job. We all find what works and doesn’t work for us, but I always remember we are all struggling in different ways – nobody gets an easy ride in Motherhood, not one of us – and it helps to know we’re all in it together.
Yes. What Marlynn said. You are not alone. Being a parent is hard work. Sure, the payouts are great, but unlike a regular paycheck, their timing is sporadic and unpredictable. Bottom line – your kids know that you love them. They probably understand you a lot more about you than you think – I know mine do me – and that goes a very long way.
As for the earthquake anxiety, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling, Lindsay, and I won’t for a second tell you not to worry, because I know from my own experiences it won’t do a bit of good. All I can tell you is that I’ve lived in the Portland all my life (which is a lot longer than your life so far!) and I’ve only experienced one quake that made me break my stride (Spring Break ’93). My kids’ dad is a Californian, and when it happened, he didn’t think a thing of it. I, on the other hand, had nightmares for a year. The earth is not supposed to Move. I get it. But after all this time, I’ve learned that I don’t have control of everything – all I can do is live my life.
Hugs to you, sweet girl. You are doing great. ♥